so I was thinking on re-starting p90x this coming Monday, kind of say the last month was practice. it was a cop out I know, and a test. I wanted to restart because I was convinced I was not getting the results blah blah blah

the truth is I am failing myself, I make little lies to make myself feel better, and that needs to stop

so I will be continuing on, do my best, and then in 60 days or so, then I will start it again, after the first 90 days of practice. yup then I’ll really get going, but first I need this practice run

so lets see a few weeks ago I bought a new car, got me a Nissan X-Terra nice suv, I like it a lot and it has all the cool stuff in it.  Still working at Lake city and loving it, my wife seems to understand that I need this in my life.
A few weeks ago I started P90X so far it’s goign OK having some issues with finishing the workouts, mostly due to the time I have to work out which is late in the evening so I can get Anj from school, now that she is done I get about 3 weeks to really get into the swing of things and get my schedule moved to 6:30, which will allow my body time to slow down so i can actually get some sleep.  the other elements that i wa slacking in was diet.. I am now (as of yesterday evening) weighing everythign i eat except celery my goal is to be a 34-36 inch waist by next summer.  I am seriously cuttign back on my Mountain dew intake, righ tnow Im down to 1 a day, alogn with the cafine in my daily vitamins, I have two bottles left in my desk here, and will try to avoid a soda all day tomorrow, it’s hard jsut due tot he convienece of the bottles.  anyhow, Im on week 3 of P90x, and plan to do it twice which will get me right up to June.  I’ll keep updating people

Well True Believers, what a diffrence a month has made, well sorta. So when last we spoke I was wallowing in my own self pity. Well thanks to the magic of facebook and what I truly believe is the way life should work, I sent out a call for anyone looking for a casual medic, and guess what it wa sanswered.. I am working Casual for Lake City Ambulance, which is a small service, but I am back in my true natural habitat, an ambulance. I pretty much screwed up just about everythign my first “official” shift as a primary medic, something I will fix next saturday when i am working again. Still working for the palce I can not name, mostly because they actually monitor these things, I am looking 3elsewhere but for now I am making money an dbills are being paid off and i am for the most part happy about that.

really nothing else, I know I should be blogging more but alas nothign much going on.

I have been in a downward spiral for a long time now, no one who is close to me seems to understand, and it hurts me more than they know when they look at me and in a tone of irritation say “I know what you are feeling” or “I know you bette than you think” it’s all bullshit, and the fact that they don’t see me dying right in front of them is the worst kind of pain imaginable. I am misserable in this life I live, that which was mine was taken away, I accept the fact I played a role in my downward turn, I accept that fact I can not change the past. But I can change the course of my life, I have done it before, with determination and sheer all out stuborness I have taken the broken and battered me and risen higher than I or anyone else ever thought possible. I live in a house where I am not allowed to live as i chose to live, if I could guarantee that it would do any good i would throuw our renter out on her fat ass tonight and her fucked up cat with her. I don’t fuckign care that she can’t sleep at 8 o’clock at night, nor do i give to shits that she wants to sit at home and suck off the governemnt because she can’t find a job paying her what she thinks she is worth. Fuck im ready to throw away 62 grand a year to go back to making 40 k a year just so i can feel like I am fucking alive again, to live again, to be me again, and not this gholem I am trapped in now, this creature of pain and rage that walks the world feeling lower and lower everyday, there are days I think on just quietly givign up, and going to work and going home 5 days a week, mow the lawn and doing what some people of my family think I should do because I am in such a better place now… then I think about being cold, and shaking, curled up on the floor of my room begging for God to just end me, and laying on the ground in agony while friends worked to make sure I made it to a hospital, and I am reminded that I have never asked for the easy life, I am not cut out to sit idly by and let tohers put themselves to the hazard in my stead, I will make my life work, I will live up tot he expectations that I have set for myself, and I will do what I need to do, and that mission starts today

Greetings true believers, well the chinese curse of may you live in interesting times sure is true.
Today I ended my time at Carlson Marketing, I left with very little fan fare, handed off my super cool Mac and my access cards and walked out the door, then went back to grab my iPad which was sitting in my locked drawer.. Getting to jump the security gate was the highlight of my day, I felt very super spy like.. What can I say I have simple desires.

So I interviewed at Us Bank Monday face to face, and Tuesday, Wednesday by phone.
I also interviewed at a placed called Verifications INC and Best Buy, neither place intrigued me like Us Bank even though technically the money was greater, but it was contract work and I was not up for that, the First place did not seem too interested in me as a designer, and Best Buy was totally not into me or my skill sets even though I was extremely qualified, but that is their loss.
So Wednesday I was offered a spot at Verifications INC despite my gut screaming at me to stay away something just wasn’t right. I ultimately accepted the job based on my first choice not getting back to me as quickly as I would have liked. Today I went to the placement agency to fill out paperwork and set up my pee test, but as luck would have it I was contacted by Us Bank on my way home and offered a job, that is closer to home, and closer to places for me to stretch my legs and enjoy myself. I accepted immediately, and now I have to email the placement agency and tell them I found full-time employment, this will not go well, the first place really wanted me, but one thing that struck me as not so good was when I learned they canceled interviews with other people to have me do three different jobs.

I think I will be happier now

several people have asked me lately “Hey Chris, you don’t blog much anymore” well the reasons for this are many, but chiefly I have been very busy at work and with freelance and family time, something had to get set aside, thus the Feral Moon, I have been working on an updated theme for my own blog since I have been working a lot in WordPress lately I figure why not build a custom theme?

But what have I been up to lately?
well lets roll this out shall we:
The work on the Deadly Schoolgirl is finished, if you want to check it out go to www.deadlyschoolgirl.com, still some folks that need galleries and some updates but all in all it’s looking good.

built a wordpress site for Pepper Sunshine a local burlesque singer.

my time at Carlson Marketing is coming to a close as they feel there isn’t enough work for me, I’m sad, but I do understand, and they wont be re-creating my position.

I have several things going on, I have been wanting to re-do the Alice the Cook website, but without a chance to meet with Alice the Cook to go over things it’s rather hard, need to re-do the Lost Squadron Design site, maybe in a couple weeks when I have some actual by myself time at home I can get it done, along with alot of those household projects I have been neglecting

Max died last week, we were all very sad, his ashes arrived yesterday so they are sitting on a shelf until I can come up with a better idea for them

I have left my fight troupe because someone was too dumb to realize that a situation had gone from horribly bad to now un-recoverable, and so now I feel even more empty, next week marks the 1 year anniversary of the last time I stepped foot in an ambulance, and because of the actions of someone else, the lies of of an evil man I became empty, and now that empty feeling is even worse. right now everyone just wants to be touchy feely toward me and that is SOOOOO far from what I need, I just need to figure out my plans, but because of no job last summer, trying to fit into my new job, my ever increasing depression, and then my wife losing her job I can’t get a moments worth of time to try and figure out what I need to do. Damn I need to shoot something, ALOT of somethings, ah to be whole again, wont happen costs to much but it’s a fun thought
Oh well. nothing to see here folks, keep moving on

So the War was fought, and casualties were had, unfortunately the casualties were those closest to me. The Mad Man and his Lady have been in talks, the Lady made demands of us on the other side, demanding she be given rewards she did not deserve, and threatening to leave if she wasn’t given exactly what she demanded. I was of the opinion, so long, farewell, good bye but others wanted to be peace makers, they made efforts to calm the situation, but the Lady took it as a threat, that she would somehow be diminished, and the MAd Man sided with her, even though he admits she did not deserve that which she claims is her due, which it is not, we are an organization of hard workers, and she has not done the work. So my lady left the group, she has shut down the lines of communication and left me alone to face the onslaught that could one day destroy me.. but my fearless readers, you who have seen the darker parts of me know… I am far and away a survivor, I have talents that are a bit rusty, the body is a bit past its prime, but the mind, my greatest weapon is still sharp as a razor,

Today I am stuck in the middle of a war, it not a war of my making but it is a war none the less, battle lines were drawn, weapons (in this case literally weapons) have been prepared, and the Mad Man is preparing his armies to go against the weaker folks who may not know they are in this war, so it falls to me, I stand alone against the forces of anger, and despair because the greatest lie the devil told was convincing the world he didn’t exist. But he does exist, he crawls into the hearts of those who have lost hope, and he sows the seeds of despair, and it has happened again. hang with me true believers because it’s time for battle.

Ah the world around me, recently Wisconsin passed their budget repair bill without any of the finical aspects included in it, this of course pissed of the people protesting the capital and making millions on concessions and sleeping bag sales. This also made the Democrat senators mad because their three week protest was for nothing. Today they are going to have another protest, silly really since the bill has been passed and signed, and it has been be-grudgingly proven that it will in fact save money

Yesterday our timeline Japan was hit with a massive earth quake, killing hundreds and displacing thousands, their is a nuclear reactor jeopardy, and the environmental impacts of this could be catastrophic, tsunamis are hitting all over the pacific rim and the world is in great peril, and yet we here are complaining about silly things like the weather and whether our government is going to give us more freebies,

And now we come to Michigan, ah Michigan and your truly nutty governor, who wants to take away the power of the people’s vote, and their ability for redress of grievances, 234 years ago our forefathers fought a war against a government who did just that, and so it may happen again

Otherwise work is plugging along, I’m doing better, still having dreams of EMS and missing my old job terribly